You may find that your perception of the situation is extremely different than theirs . I see my friend for an outing about 2X/month. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. BTWsome in your wifes position build great insurmountable resentment. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. My husband had 19 affairs. Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. She always had 2 orgasms before me. Your husband, not even talking to you must be so hard on your self esteem. Im 65, shes 70. You are the problem/ Can you blame her? He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. For a short time shed schedule sex once a week whether or not she felt like itbut then menopause hit and sex dwindled again, diminishing to once or twice a year until we stopped having sex altogether. Are there any people at all who have actually solved this any other way apart from no more proper sex or divorce? Its ridiculous. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. As someone who has now gone over 6 years without any contact more intimate than a hug I can tell you it is a relationship killer. My wife and I had a beautiful sex life until she started to have complex female problems that resulted in a partial histerectomy and even after the procedure she finds sex very painful. He just didnt want me and wanted to be left alone, in his world. We did have sex on occasion but we would go months in between, not my idea, finally he stopped and said he had no more interest or ambition to have sex. You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. And that's perfectly fine! Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. Marriage vows are till death do you part. To the men out there, moaning about their wives loosing interest, think about how you would feel after loosing your testicles. Leave her, even if youre alone. Would you like to see more questions and answers? He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. How should I phrase it? Leaving her is not an option. I certainly feel your pain and utter frustration. Been there, done that. When he gets it, his wife & children are covered in security & abundance. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! Ive been reading a lot about this and not come across anyone with a solution apart from no proper sex or divorce. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants. Seems to me that sex is more important to most guys than it is for a woman. This is probably not the case between a wife and husband who have lost a level of intimacy in their relationship. Most importantly, talk to her about it! Dang! I want to be involved in sex to enjoy the feeling of being loved by a woman.. in bed nothing happen just sleep. If they did, they would be taking care of business! My wife lost interest in sex years ago. Most women who go through postpartum depression also find it increasingly difficult to get physically involved. Hello Mary I can imagine how frustrating it it is for you.I am 65 years old and my wife is 64.My wife is on anti-depressants and she says that she has no desire for sex We have been married for 44 years now.I last had sex about 8 years ago My wife is a very beautiful woman and I am absolutely so frustrated and find that looking at porn and mastubating is not ideal anymore, What I need is a woman, but I am afraid to approach another woman for sex for the fear of rejection, I do not want to have sex with a prostitute. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. For me, its been 8x in 3 yearsand Ive tried talking about it with him as frequency has dwindled to essentially nothing. The LW sounds like a loving and considerate husband. BIG mistake. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. Related Reading: How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. Genuinely compliment your wife and make her feel sexy again. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. Anything less is slow sewer side. Ive even had the gumption to suggest that if HE doesnt desire sex, then maybe he could still give me pleasure. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. Is it so horrible for me to want to passionately kiss her if it doesnt even lead to sex? Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. Post-menopausal sex, for many women, is a meal offering little flavour or nutrition. No love no sex. Or should I just accept her celibacy and masturbate when I need release? I feel I am supportive, helpful, etc but know Im not perfect. messages where she was being flirtatious to a local musician . And LATINA. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. Is your husband on HRT as well? Its just not worth my time to talk to her, all I get is whining, complaining and thats exhausting. Does Thunderbird mean anything to you? Thank you, Harry. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. Then theres the masturbation/porn thing. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? Its not an option. When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. In my is own skin. 1. And for the love of god stop watching fake porn. I quit sex because I didnt want to put with name calling and her being boring. Life is so wonderful! We do love each other though. Am I doomed? That means you could wait forever for your wife to just want sex. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. I am really starting to think that sex was not made for pleasure, but for reproduction and when the reproductive years end for a woman, so does her desire for sex diminishes or ends and men that still have a desire, suffer in silence or become broke from a divorce and visiting prostitutes. I really just want to be wanted the way I want her, sexually or not, to just be valued as a committed, loving husband. I would suggest you try these because they will increase your natural produce of testosterone without the side effects you mention. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. You said, So my question to the men here. We dont understand anything about foreplay or romance. He is older than I am but even when we were younger, he was like that. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. Yet she constantly professes love. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. Now its too late. If you must you could think castration out of love. Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally. Wish I could off you more of a solution but I think things either go on the way they are or there has to be come conclusion. Period!!! Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. But his belly sticks out a lot and makes it extremely difficult to get in because of 3 things. You both shatter into a million pieces, and when you emerge from the depths of pain for air, you find that though you are still in love with each other, nothing will ever be the same again. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. Seeing a therapist or speaking with her doctor about her mental health is a step in the right direction to help you recognize the woman you fell in love with. In fact, I recently read that most sexless marriages are due to lack of desire in the men. All this can cause a person to go into anger and hibernate. My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. But, if we actually *wish* to engage our brains, we do have the brains that God gave us, the brains through with which we can engage in thoughtful interpretation of facts. . So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. Are you a fit 55 year old woman with a high sex drive? Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. /** Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. I am so angry at him too!!! When was the last time you went out on a date together? Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. Youre describing my dilemma to a tee. In my case our problems are ever deeper in that ours is a Love /Hate relationship. 2nd doctor also said the same thing. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. Prostate cancer or vaginal dryness does not preclude you from meeting the sexual needs of your partner out of laziness and a lack of giving a shit. She has become a roommate and a friend, but not a wife that gives me the joy and love we used to have. Nope. I realize that I really dont know your reasons for not wanting to be sexual with me whether it hurts you, or theres something Im doing or not doing. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. })(); I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. I cant stop thinking about it. Thank you Joan, for all you do. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Whatever your wife is going through that causes you to think, My wife never initiates intimacy, is probably just as worrisome to her as it is to you. NOw he works well and Im proud of him for that. My husband stopped 25 years ago when he couldnt get it up. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). At least the replies here seem to reflect this, noting that the opposite can and does happen. Except she doesnt like hugging or cuddling either. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. Suffice it to say I got cut off when she started affairs with 3 other guys. Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Blah blah blah. Sure I wish I could be confident in her skin too but Im not going to let it overwhelm me. I cant believe a respected Sex Therapist has Keep Masturbating as an answer. Love and mutual respect must be the basis for any human relationship. We must have sex or blow up, not a choice. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. So, Thomas maybe your right they must be doing it wrong. For a woman, as she ages, she needs time to get into that sexual mindset and anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. Thanks Buck for being brutally honest, I can relate to it and know how much painful it is, seeing your wife everyday but I cant even hold her because shell embarrass me with a comeback that all I want is sex and Ill get humiliated and will just eventually die inside. Most women, especially in our age group, only experience responsive desire. BUT I agree If I was an electronic game, or a bead of some kind I would get some attention.. We have had a very good sex life up until a few years ago, and she has had many good sexual adventures. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can improve your sex life tremendously. Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing! I said I am a human male and I have basic needs. After everything a woman does in one day compare to what most lazy men would say. We are both active and healthy. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido. So I disagree when people say leave the marriage as soon as the sex stops. EXACTLY!!! Bob, my wife is the same way, says she feels bad she has zero interest in sex, but doesnt offer anything like oral or HJ either. Tired of initiating intimacy? Mens sexual needs are purely physical and need to be fulfilled regularly. goodluck! My wife I encourage to have her hobbies and she is a nice person. As if I was only there as a sperm donor. There is just so much fantasizing, flirting and masturbating that I can do. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. You need to leave her. Because then who leads? Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. So to the Men out there (here) complaining about their sexless marriagesMove On! If your wife never initiates affection, it could be due to any of the reasons listed above in this article. Divorce is not an option, But when the second son moves out to college there is an option I take his bedroom AND there is an option I go on an extended car road trip for a few months. I want to separate from my wife of 49 years. If not he should go on in it. accuse me of not loving her enough, if I had to cheat back. Wish she would just say so. Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. I am 62 and my husband is 63. When we DO have intimacy, it usually comprises me masturbating until she finishes me with her mouth (which she still likes to do) and her using one of those power vibrators that sound like a jackhammer to get herself off. I am free to masturbate without hiding it, just dont ask for sex, ever. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Sex should be mutually inclusive. Have some fun with someone now and then would help .. any reply on if cheating what to look at to find someone Where???? This is sad. Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. She wanted me to be sexual with her, but would not reciprocate. Im 15 years younger than my husband. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? Its worth discussing with your doctor. Im in the same boat. Life is way too short! If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. Im basically living a lie until the time is right for us to part ways. But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. We went to separate colleges and this was before cell phones and computers. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! Women provide fertility, nurturing, and resourcefulness. We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. Dont you dare accuse all men of being selfish and unhelpful. The night my son died was when my loss of interest began, in fact it vanished, period. Answers where we can talk about it or Im busy right now. I have (age 60+) gone right off sex. The fact that she cant be bothered to take a few minutes in the shower to manually make things right tells you everything you need to know. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. In recent times, our sex life has begun to resemble our early 20s again, even better because contraception is in the rearview mirror. I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. At 45 years old I met this man That was 28 years ago. I have never, nor will I ever cheat. The frequency began to dwindle a few years back and now has been more than a year since we have had sex. Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. We have been married 41 years. For everything there is a season. Will, I dont see ruling the relationship and demanding that a wife relieve her husband, even if shes sore or unwilling, as a solution to anything except an unhappy wife. And ur right it is really screwed up knowing u might not get laid again or when that might be. After 8.5 years in my sexless marriage, I almost found the phrase Youve both gone so long without sex together funny, though it is far from that. 18 months later I was told NO sex, by the way we had not had regular sex for near 15 years, and Sexless for near 10. She was before marriage. Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? This is so depressing!! Friends and family say theres going to be a decrease in libido, but its been almost a whole year since she has even initiated anything, he added. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. Your story is very very simular to mine. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. I want that back in my life as well! Color me confused. I want to turn things around and not give up but its a huge blow to what I thought marriage and my life would be. Theres nothing wrong with giving yourself sexual pleasure. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. ( I told him about the job opening). What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? Its the only wu to turn this round. She told me a few years ago that she felt sorry for me because of her lack of sexual desire. This isnt one of those seasons things, she believing a lie from the devil to her, to destroy your marriage. It is not the loss of testicles as much as the loss of the prostate gland. Theres always a lot going on in the Senior Planet universe. I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. Some persons who are older like us end up this way. Makes me feel worth lessnot worthless.worth. I am starting to go to prostitutes is this wrong? That old saying use or loose it.. John, where do you live, and do you play golf regularly without your wife ? And I love doggie! Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and emotional intimacy to feel connected to her partner. After 35 years, I want to be with my wife more than ever, not less. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. Its bad. I also recognize he has no intentions of changing. I chose the platter for one. Life is definitely funny. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. He said hed think about this. So selfish and controlling . */ Weekly turned into Monthly then every 3 or 4 months question about sex. And I suffer. She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. See the New York Times story, Does a More Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex?. Ive been in one for about 47 years and Im the cause of it. If us men were all so lucky! Meanwhile. I am going to be 42 years old!! As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. The guy is a magnet! Be caring. Having sex will actually help you physically and can add years to your life. He expects lunch and dinner to be made for him every day, He drinks beer by the gallon and he gives nothing to this marriage. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. Or when it doesnt really get hard, does the throbbing stop also in men? Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. Thrown into menopause way too young. We see each other on a daily basis staying busy to supplement our income and find time to make love once per week. If 2 people really love love,then they will find ways to please each other. The best thing to do when y our partner doesn't want to be intimate is to ask them about it, point blank. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. We all deserve to be held, to be touched, to be told and shown we are desired and needed for far more than cleaning a house, fixing a meal or providing a paycheck. For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers,join Joans mailing list. not someone to basically jerk off into. There has to be more than just telling people they should talk about it. Thank you, great essay. The gender doesnt matter here, but if you have trust issues, its eventually going to lead to resentment. I enjoy sex, but I am often fatigued and have low energy. Nope no sex. Right now Im going on over three months since shes wanted sex. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. Food shape. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . Richard C This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. Regards Glenn. I read this with interest. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? This whole situation sucks for all of us. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. 17) She doesn't try to make you feel better anymore. Many health issues can affect a woman's sexual desire, from diabetes to chronic pain conditions to cancer. It is time to say, I am horny as hell, and I am tired of pretending I am not because I am over 50!. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? For fucks sake man. Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. I think it was William Shakespeare who pondered what an irony it was that desire usually so outlasts ability. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). Perhaps every month or so she gives me a handjob, rarely a BJ. . She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. Most stay in the marriage because of kids and the men cheat as they should. Shes the mother of our kids! I am familiar with all of this and I kept silent for a very long time. Im in ok shape, not overweight . At age 69, were certainly way beyond the procreation stage. A subtle way of saying I will date outside the marriage. You risk losing it all for the same quick minute that you already have with your wife. Very sad!!! As a kid I grew up without Christmas or birthdays. However, whenever a relationship began getting serious my body would suddenly shut down- no erection, no ejaculation, no desire. Addie,maybe we should trade spouses.lol.im in the same boat you are.i love to get intamate and hug and kiss and cuddle.my wife 0.unreal.she told me the other day she dont even like sex anymore after we had it.how nice to say that.unreal. I havent had a BJ for about 20years, my wife wont even touch my penis so a HJ is out of the question too. This break down could be for a number of reasons: Some are directly related to her man. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. No way you are real!!! So, heres what I did. But this woman kept me in her heart and mind for fifty years. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. That leads to no communication and uselessness. I am 64 years old and I have not had sex with my wife for about 7 years, she is 59 years old. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade.