LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? Why not? I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. Is this just aimless small-talk? As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). Why does it need taking care of?? Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. K- keep a distance from work. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. )in a way that seems to be back firing. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Then one day I said to her you know, when you ask me my plans without saying what youre thinking of, it makes me really nervous because it feels like signing a blank cheque, and she said oh no, that wasnt my intention at all, I didnt want to make you feel bad by suggesting things if youre already busy and now if she wants to suggest a thing, she tells me straight off what the thing is. Amazing what showering can do for you. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. And suddenly many things became clear. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? #2 is a good point. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. If you dont want to go, just say so. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. The cousin wanting a servant. It's to funny for everybody. Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Yes, this. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. Opposite of what I want . For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. The person is saying something factually incorrect. Jana: I'm good. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. The Captains advice is great. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! Oh, surviving, surviving. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. its BANK HOLIDAY?. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. Me: yes! or no, sorry. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. Follow. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? I can ask them on Monday how it was. This is my first time commenting because so much of this rang true. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. after Ive made my piece clear. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. This says "I'm doing well.". Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). It can be so hard to set boundaries with the inlaws! I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. Answer with small truths. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. Nothing? Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Can you do me a favor? Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Thanks! Weekend gone! Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. Totally fair and perfectly polite. (Seriously? But different cultural norms! No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. DP: No free time at ALL? I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder.

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